Note: Amanda and Dan Posid’s almost 2-year-old son David died in November 2015. Amanda shares her journey of discovering more of God’s love and worshipping Him through her grief.

Around three months after David's death, I began to recognize how much God showed his love for us directly and through the love of our community. However, like with everything else in my life, all good things were tainted with the reality that nothing was as good as it could be because I was without David.

Every day, for months, my conversation with God went exactly like this:

Me: "God, I'm grateful for the way you have loved us through this. And the way you've used our family and friends to love us through this difficult time. I've never felt more loved than I do right now. But God ... you are God, all knowing, all powerful, all present. You can calm the raging seas with just a gentle word. May I remind you that you could have caused me to experience your deep, deep love for me any way you chose? You did NOT have to take David for me to experience this."

God: "I am love (1 John 4:8), I am the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb. 13:8), I am the creator of the ends of the earth, my understanding is unsearchable (Isaiah 40:28). My way is perfect, and I am a refuge for you (Psalms 18:30). Do not be afraid, because I am with you, I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you and uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). And finally, Amanda, I have formed you ... your inward parts and emotions, you are wonderfully made. I knew about everything that you would encounter in your life before you were made (Psalms 139:13-16). I want you to experience my deepest love. Don't you think that if there had been any other way for you to experience how deep and wide my love truly is, I would have chosen that? I hate the sadness you experience ... but you are able to experience my love so much deeper than before."

Me: "I suppose."

I did this a couple times a day for months. Exactly as you read above, until I truly did believe it. And I do. I still miss my little guy, and am grateful for [my husband] Dan and [son] Alex walking through this with me. But there is no way I could feel the love I feel for and from God had I not had to walk through this. Life is hard, but God is near us, and loves us so deeply.

A few months into my journey, Melissa Dunn [whose 2-year-old also died] and I had a painful conversation regarding what our response to Jesus would be if He came to us offering to let us have our children back, in full knowledge that His will was for them to be in heaven with Him. My heart was so raw through this conversation, but God was faithful. So with tears in my eyes and determination in my voice, I chose His will over David in my arms. But I had a stipulation: Jesus had to come alone. At that point in grief, I feared I would choose David over Jesus if I was able to see his smiling face in front of me.

As I have continued another year into my journey, I've seen where God has used my journey to build and strengthen His kingdom.

He was fully aware of the events of our lives when we began our family. And He also knew how He would use this to build our faith, and that He would do wonderful things in His perfect faithfulness.

Isaiah 25:1 — Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.

Some of the wonderful things God has done in our lives, through this journey are the following:

First, we have had one salvation specifically because of God's work in our lives following David's death. And dozens who have proclaimed a closer relationship with Jesus while watching our journey with Him.

God has also used our story in the fire department. Following their call to our house, our local fire department developed a class to teach the first responders how to support the families who have lost a loved one once the responders discover they are unable resuscitate the patient. The class has had such an impact on the Lynchburg stations that it has been taken to all the surrounding counties, some state trainings and may be taken nationwide over the next year or two. This class begins with a video to set the scene for the necessity to support the family. I share my story of how our first responders took such gentle care of us.

Finally, God used our story to bring healing to others born with clubfeet. The month between David's death and his 2nd birthday, we collected money from our family and friends to send to On His Path, a ministry whose purpose is to manufacture and distribute clubfoot braces to developing countries. So while I was seeking information on how many braces could be purchased for those who needed them, God was nudging hearts to give. There was enough money to build a clinic in El Salvador. Eleven months after David's death, Dan, Alex and I were in Sonsonate, El Salvador, at a beautiful facility with even more beautiful people who could now get the help they needed. We praise the name of Jesus for the wonderful things He does.

Although we praise Jesus, I also held tightly to my pain and my desires for my life. So after telling people about all God was doing through our grief, I always ended it with, "But I'd rather have David than having helped all of these people."

A few months ago, God began challenging me about this. He reminded me that saying I would rather have David than the life change in others was the same as saying I would rather have David than God's will — similar to the conversation Melissa and I had almost a year earlier.

For two months, I talked with God. I reminded Him how much my heart ached for David, and that I wanted to embrace His will for my life. But I knew I couldn't do it on my own, I needed God to change my heart. He could renew my mind and help me to embrace His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2 — Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is — His good, pleasing and perfect will.

A couple weeks ago, God gave me a new image. It was God and David, together, walking toward me. When they reached me, David, with a huge smile on his face, assured me he was doing well with Jesus and couldn't wait for us to join him. But he loved his new home. He asked me to trust God and to know that His will is more perfect than I could imagine.

Isaiah 26:3 — You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

I still miss David and I always will. But now, when I think of all that God has done through bringing David home, I say, "God, help me to accept your perfect will along with your perfect love." The only way I can do this is through His grace, allowing me to boast in my weakness as I rest in His power.

2 Corinthians 12:9 — But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Since losing David, God has walked me through many facets of His love, and has led me to a deeper love for Him. At times, I know what the topic of the “next thing” He is going to share with me, but may not know all the details until much later. Right now, He wants me to know — truly know — how to worship Him while waiting for relief from grief. And I believe He wants me to still be deep in grief while experiencing worship. It is as though He wants me to know how to worship Him using my grief and pain. Not to try to make it look like I'm worshipful and happy, but in my pain still worship - with all the “ugly” that comes with grief.

There are times when I have chosen to apply this to my experience with grief, but have forgotten to do the same when my marriage, parenting, or other relationships have been strained in the midst of grief. I believe He wants me (and you) to worship while we struggle with grief or frustration with work, people, parenting or personal decisions. He wants us to worship Him in it, and let Him bring change in HIS time.

Don’t rush it. HE has something for me and you in the pain and the misery. HE can be trusted.